Why People Don't Listen to You

Ever wonder why people don’t listen to you?

I do.

Every day.

In my career as a theatre director, writer, educator, and communication coach, I’ve defined the three primary reasons your audience does not listen to you:

1) You’re not saying anything. NOT, you’re not contributing anything of value or speaking the language of your ideal client or audience or solving a problem or whatever.

You’re not engaging in conversation and communication with others.

People cannot listen to you if you’re not speaking. So, of course, no one is listening to you if you’re not spending time everyday engaging in conversation with the express purpose of building deeper, more meaningful personal and professional relationships.

Sounds obvious doesn’t it? But raise you’re hand if you’ve ever been in a position where you determined beforehand you wouldn’t be heard so you just chose not to speak.

That’s tough.

That’s real.

That’s some people’s lives.

2) You never turn small talk into big talk. Small talk is great for feeling out new relationships, learning more about people, and seeing if they are good candidates to bring into your community.

But if small talk never progresses to big talk your connections will give up listening to you.

Think about what you want from your community:

Is it superficial relationships who just talk at us all day?

Is it surface lever people who forget about us as soon as we leave the room?

No! Human beings have core needs and at the top of those core needs are loving communities. We need to be a part of groups, tribes, pods of compassionate, empathetic individuals who will climb in the arena with us, help us, and who we want to help—professionally and personally.

So if your relationship small talk never turns into big talk—vulnerable, authentic, helper-centric big talk—people are not going to listen to you.

3) You’re not talking to the real decision-maker. I just became a dad for the first time :) And when I hold Owen in my arms it is with the greatest responsibility knowing he has no choice but to EXPECT his core needs will be met. Love, security, and community are his to assume and my responsibility to provide for the sake of his survival.

But I can’t and won’t be able to protect him from everything. One day he will experience pain, trauma, loss or some other hurt, which undermines and calls into question his critical needs will be met.

In those moments we often build self-defense mechanisms/suits of armor to protect our inner chlld from ever experiencing the pain of losing our assumed needs and the fear of living a life without those needs.

Betrayal may lead to distrust in others.

Shame and humiliation might manifest as self-deprecating humor or fake confidence.

Abandonment may create an unhealthy need for perfectionism.

But guess who’s hanging out beneath the surface of that distrust or perfectionism or self-deprecation? That same little child who desperately wants to be able to take for granted love, community, and security in their life.

We build deep, meaningful personal and professional relationships and engage in vulnerable, authentic big talk so we can push past the self-defense mechanisms of others and connect with the child in charge.

Why don’t people listen to you?

Ask yourself;

Do I commit to conversation everyday with the express purpose of building deeper relationships?

Do I turn small talk into big talk?

Do I talk to the real decision maker?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no” then your audience is not listening.